Posts Titled "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME" Are Now a Recurring Event

Like many of you, I take extreme umbrage with today's trade of Tyson Chandler. We gave up our only legitimate 7 footer and inside presence for an underachiever who only averages 19 minutes a game, the rotting corpse of Joe Smith and some random fuckface D League kid. The not-Sonics have FIVE(!) first round draft picks in the next two drafts and we couldn't get one of them? To say we got pennies on the dollar is an insult to pennies and Abraham Lincoln. I hope you're happy, Jeff Bower. You insulted Lincoln.

I boycotted tonight's game in a show of protest to the trade. Predictably, trading away our best defender resulted in us almost losing to a team that only dressed EIGHT FUCKING GUYS. Oh, and we also let a guy torch us for 47 points.

If the team is willing to enter into dealings with the shadiest character in the league, is it that much of a stretch to believe that they'd be in bed with Big Condiment? Think about it. First, they take away the chili, now they take away our center. I shudder to think what they'll take next...

Oh, by the way, anyone interested in joining my pool on who's going to be the Hornets team representative at the draft lottery on June 5? I'm putting my money on 1987-88 leading scorer Kelly Tripucka.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME

Okay, we don't normally direct our anger at anyone but Big Condiment around these parts, but tonight we were victims of such an egregious offense that we couldn't hold our tongues. Or our typing fingers. What a despicable performance.

Every motherfucker in that locker room who isn't named Chris Paul had damn well better be ashamed of themselves right now. Those guys just straight up STOLE MONEY from the fans who paid to watch that game. In fact, I want a credit on my cable bill from Cox because I watched the game on cable. I don't even have the words to describe how disgusted I am right now, except to say that I want to vomit and that I had to go change my contact lenses after the final buzzer because the ones I was wearing when I watched that pathetic excuse for a basketball game actually jumped out of my eyes and committed seppuku at the end of the game.

This time last year, we were riding a nine game win streak and were 20 games over .500. This team isn't even a .500 ballclub without Chris Paul. They'd all better hope and pray that that isn't a serious groin injury because, if that's the only effort they're capable of putting forth without CP on the floor, the bottom's gonna fall out from under us faster than you can say "footlong with chili and a large RC."

NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Yes We Can!

Monday afternoon saw the dawn of Phase III of the Chili Revolution. At approximately 2 p.m., I walked into the Arena armed with a Mo Bart "FAN UP NEW ORLEANS" rally towel and a double-zippered Ziploc full of Hormel No-Bean. My objective was clear: walk into to lion's den and bring justice back to the concession stands in the name of NCNP!!!!. Delicious, meaty justice.

As the first quarter came to a close, I went down to the concession stand and for posterity's sake, placed the traditional end-of-first-quarter order:

Me: "Footlong with chili and a large RC, please."
Concession worker: "We don't serve chili anymore, sir."
Me: "Figures. Brought mine, anyway. Thanks."
Concession worker: "Huh?"
Me: "Plain's fine, anyway. Thanks."

With that, I took the plain dog, walked to the nearest condiment station, broke out my bag of chili, and made the traditional end-of-first-quarter meal complete:















NCNP!!!! reminds you that Phase III will continue until such time as chili is returned to its rightful place on the menu. We encourage you all to BYOC. The Fingers, the gentlemen of Section 107, and I will all be attending Monday's game vs. the 76ers, and you can rest assured that we'll represent NCNP!!!! proper-like by bringing the thunder, and our own chili. If you've got a BYOC story to share, or perhaps a handy suggestion of a method to keep one's Phase III chili warm during transport from home to the Arena, we'd love to hear from you.

We Present Phase III: BYO Chili

I have a dream. A dream of enjoying a footlong with chili at the end of the first quarter of today's game.

That dream will be a reality, thanks to Phase III of the Chili Revolution. Phase I's letter-writing campaign and Phase II's non-$1 beer concession boycott were valiant efforts, but yielded no chili. So with great pleasure, we announce Phase III: BYOC. Starting today, and continuing until such time as chili has been restored to its rightful place on the concession stand menu, we're bringing our own damn chili to the Arena and we invite you to do the same. NCNP!!!! is going with the Hormel No-Bean in a double-zippered ziploc bag, but you go ahead and use whatever chili and method of covert chili conveyance works best for you*.

(*please note that NCNP!!!! does not recommend swallowing a condom full of chili as a means of getting chili into the game)

That's all for today. We'll be back with a follow-up on Day 1 of Phase III tomorrow. Go forth and wreak havoc.

Every time a 1st quarter horn sounds a Hornets fan gets his chili---- A NCNP!!!! letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I fucking hate Christmas. As I’m sure you already know. But I feel obligated to seek your “expertise” in such a desperate situation as we, the frequenters of the New Orleans Arena, Louisiana Superdome and locally Centerplate serviced food outlets have been embroiled for quite a few months.

I am not looking for such grandiose endeavors as to rearrange the playoff picture to include the Saints or a NBA championship for the Hornets, I will leave that to the behest of a more deserving individual.

I am not even asking for such uncomplicated blessings as for Reggie Bush to always run forward, Devin Brown to look toward where he is throwing a basketball or C. Ray to be lit on fire and made captive to the depths of Lake Cataouatche where his transformation into a swamp-mutant-hellion-incubus will be regaled in fireside narratives passed from one generation to the next. Such are simple things that should take care of themselves, but probably won’t have any chance of actually happening (save the Nagin thing).

I ask on behalf of all local sports fans and votaries of chili that this hearty stalwart of condiments be returned to its rightful place at all concession stands.

I am encouraged that you will take up such an altruistic venture based on your own fervor for chili as inferred in this submission of a fellow enthusiast from December 7. I assume that your presence at an event featuring $1.50 chili dogs is no coincidence. I trust you enjoy a fine topping as much as the next morbidly obese, self-conscious, desperate for approval, omniscient materialist.

I can only imagine that this favor could be granted in the midst of doling out your yuletide impunity for men, women, children and all of the hoi chilloi. After all Mr. Claus, you’re quite recognizable and largely known as a beloved figure that regularly travels with little, if any security. Well, sometimes- bad things happen to good mythical pseudo-pagan marketing vehicles. And we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you if it were proven that someone of your stature were in cahoots with Big Condiment, now would we?

Warmly,
NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Fish For Dinner Again? Why, Yes. It's Red Herring.

The NCNP!!!! revolution inbox was chock full of tips this morning, all relating to this item:

A Nutrition Makeover for the New Orleans Arena

Ochsner and the Hornets offer Fans Healthy Eating Options

The New Orleans Hornets are teaming with Ochsner's Elmwood Fitness Center and Centerplate to give fans the opportunity to feast on a wide-variety of healthy selections while catching the action this season at The New Orleans Arena. Sushi, sashimi, carved turkey and blackened chicken sandwiches on whole wheat buns, fruit and cheese trays and shrimp cocktails are all part of the new Ochsner Eat Fit options available to fans.

The New Orleans Arena is one of the first arenas in the U.S. to team up with a medical center and nutritionists to create healthier menu items and offer nutrition facts for basketball fans. A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed that Louisiana is one of the least healthy states with the highest levels of obesity in adults and children.

"Enjoying great food is part of the New Orleans culture, so Ochsner Eat Fit is bringing great flavor in a healthier way to basketball fans," says Warner Thomas, COO and President.

Ochsner is the official Healthcare Provider of the New Orleans Hornets.

Sure, it sounds nice that the Arena is looking out for us and trying to keep us healthy, but I think we all know that this is nothing but smoke and mirrors. If SMG could make an extra dollar by offering deep fried butter in chocolate sauce covered in bacon, they'd do it in a second. They might even put it on a stick and come up with a clever name for it, like "Deep Fried Butter in Chocolate Sauce Covered in Bacon on a Stick." Pretty clever, right? Yeah, we know.

It's plain obvious that Big Condiment have made patsies of our friends at Ochsner and the Elmwood Fitness Center in an effort to divert our attention from the conspiracy. A shrewd move, indeed, trying to hide in plain sight. But you'd better get your ass up early in the morning if you want to put one past NCNP!!!!, and Big Condiment didn't get up early enough because we ain't buying that line of crap.

You're Asking the Wrong Questions. You've Got to Ask...Who Benefits?

Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Fingers, we now know that there is a campaign of misinformation and propoganda afoot, and that Brittany "Girl Rob Nice" Cranston and the Hornets organization are parties to it. There are a lot of other rumors flying around out there about who else might be involved. Sure, we've also heard them and just like you, we have a hard time taking everything we hear at face value. With that in mind, NCNP!!!! have decided to take a closer look at some of those rumored to be conspirators:

1. JORDY HULTBERG

You're probably asking yourself, "What reason would Jordy have to possibly want to hurt Hornets fans?" How about these reasons:

• His continued ridicule at the hands of Hornets fans as a result fo being called the wrong name on live television by members of the Hornets organization in each of the past two seasons. Former Assistant Coach Jim Cleamons referred to him as "Gordy" during halftime interviews throughout the '06-'07 campaign and Mr. George Shinn himself referred to him as "Scott" during a halftime interview last season.


• Jordy is a known wearer of loafers with no socks and a rumored user of George Hamilton's line of sun-free skin bronzers. Nobody that vain would think twice about betraying the hard-working, hungry masses of the chilitariat.


• He is secretly controlled by Jim Hawthorne, who blatantly conspired to doctor the tapes of his play-by-play call of the Bluegrass Miracle. Jack Hunt? Seriously? Jack Hunt played safety, you douche! Why the fuck would he even have been on the field with the offense? GAH!!!!

Verdict: Undoubtedly involved in the conspiracy.

2. MR. GEORGE SHINN

Yes, it's been established that the Hornets organization has partaken in a campaign on misinformation regarding the availability of chili in the Arena. But, do any of us really believe that Mr. Shinn is the one running the show? I mean, you just read that the guy called Jordy "Scott." C'mon, that isn't even close! Also, as noted in the photo below, Mr. Shinn has publicly associated with known chili enthusiasts:

Verdict: Not involved in the conspiracy.

3. PHIL JACKSON

Phil Jackson is treated like a genius because he won a bunch of titles riding the coattails of three of the greatest players in the history of the League. Has anyone ever stopped to ask what this motherfucker has done to earn the monicker "Zen Master," aside from reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? If reading ONE FUCKING BOOK makes you the master of something, then I can go ahead and quit takign the CPA exam and just start calling myself "Accounting Master."

Anyway, Phil Jackson never misses an opportunity to badmouth the great City of New Orleans. We offer these pearls of wisdom as evidence:

• "Well, it smells better in Oklahoma, I have to say that. I miss that mildew smell from New Orleans that permeates the air, and the revelry that goes along with being in New Orleans is certainly missing in Oklahoma. I feel blessed, no doubt about it, that we're here." - on the Lakers playing the Hornets in OKC post-Katrina


• "Hopefully, they've drained the mud out of the building and the termites aren't going to eat the building away by the time we get down there." - on the Lakers being the Hornets' first opponent in NOLA after the team's return from OKC

Surely, anyone who has such contempt for our fair city would take away our chili in a cocaine heartbeat. It's also worth noting that Phil Jackson looks like Colonel Sanders and he always sits in a high chair during games like some kind of baby.

Verdict: Oh, you're goddamn right he's in on it.

4. ROCKY DENNIS FROM MASK

I'll bet you didn't think he was in on it...

Verdict: ...but that's EXACTLY what he'd want you to think!

We hope this has helped clear up some of your questions. Feel free to contact us with any other questions you might still have and/or rumors you'd like to share. I believe you have our information.