NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Posts Titled "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME" Are Now a Recurring Event

2009-02-17T19:54:00.000-08:00

Like many of you, I take extreme umbrage with today's trade of Tyson Chandler. We gave up our only legitimate 7 footer and inside presence for an underachiever who only averages 19 minutes a game, the rotting corpse of Joe Smith and some random fuckface D League kid. The not-Sonics have FIVE(!) first round draft picks in the next two drafts and we couldn't get one of them? To say we got pennies on the dollar is an insult to pennies and Abraham Lincoln. I hope you're happy, Jeff Bower. You insulted Lincoln.

I boycotted tonight's game in a show of protest to the trade. Predictably, trading away our best defender resulted in us almost losing to a team that only dressed EIGHT FUCKING GUYS. Oh, and we also let a guy torch us for 47 points.

If the team is willing to enter into dealings with the shadiest character in the league, is it that much of a stretch to believe that they'd be in bed with Big Condiment? Think about it. First, they take away the chili, now they take away our center. I shudder to think what they'll take next...

Oh, by the way, anyone interested in joining my pool on who's going to be the Hornets team representative at the draft lottery on June 5? I'm putting my money on 1987-88 leading scorer Kelly Tripucka.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME

2009-02-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, we don't normally direct our anger at anyone but Big Condiment around these parts, but tonight we were victims of such an egregious offense that we couldn't hold our tongues. Or our typing fingers. What a despicable performance.

Every motherfucker in that locker room who isn't named Chris Paul had damn well better be ashamed of themselves right now. Those guys just straight up STOLE MONEY from the fans who paid to watch that game. In fact, I want a credit on my cable bill from Cox because I watched the game on cable. I don't even have the words to describe how disgusted I am right now, except to say that I want to vomit and that I had to go change my contact lenses after the final buzzer because the ones I was wearing when I watched that pathetic excuse for a basketball game actually jumped out of my eyes and committed seppuku at the end of the game.

This time last year, we were riding a nine game win streak and were 20 games over .500. This team isn't even a .500 ballclub without Chris Paul. They'd all better hope and pray that that isn't a serious groin injury because, if that's the only effort they're capable of putting forth without CP on the floor, the bottom's gonna fall out from under us faster than you can say "footlong with chili and a large RC."

NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Yes We Can!

2009-01-21T13:47:00.000-08:00

Monday afternoon saw the dawn of Phase III of the Chili Revolution. At approximately 2 p.m., I walked into the Arena armed with a Mo Bart "FAN UP NEW ORLEANS" rally towel and a double-zippered Ziploc full of Hormel No-Bean. My objective was clear: walk into to lion's den and bring justice back to the concession stands in the name of NCNP!!!!. Delicious, meaty justice.

As the first quarter came to a close, I went down to the concession stand and for posterity's sake, placed the traditional end-of-first-quarter order:

Me: "Footlong with chili and a large RC, please."
Concession worker: "We don't serve chili anymore, sir."
Me: "Figures. Brought mine, anyway. Thanks."
Concession worker: "Huh?"
Me: "Plain's fine, anyway. Thanks."

With that, I took the plain dog, walked to the nearest condiment station, broke out my bag of chili, and made the traditional end-of-first-quarter meal complete:

NCNP!!!! reminds you that Phase III will continue until such time as chili is returned to its rightful place on the menu. We encourage you all to BYOC. The Fingers, the gentlemen of Section 107, and I will all be attending Monday's game vs. the 76ers, and you can rest assured that we'll represent NCNP!!!! proper-like by bringing the thunder, and our own chili. If you've got a BYOC story to share, or perhaps a handy suggestion of a method to keep one's Phase III chili warm during transport from home to the Arena, we'd love to hear from you.

We Present Phase III: BYO Chili

2009-01-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

I have a dream. A dream of enjoying a footlong with chili at the end of the first quarter of today's game.

That dream will be a reality, thanks to Phase III of the Chili Revolution. Phase I's letter-writing campaign and Phase II's non-$1 beer concession boycott were valiant efforts, but yielded no chili. So with great pleasure, we announce Phase III: BYOC. Starting today, and continuing until such time as chili has been restored to its rightful place on the concession stand menu, we're bringing our own damn chili to the Arena and we invite you to do the same. NCNP!!!! is going with the Hormel No-Bean in a double-zippered ziploc bag, but you go ahead and use whatever chili and method of covert chili conveyance works best for you*.

(*please note that NCNP!!!! does not recommend swallowing a condom full of chili as a means of getting chili into the game)

That's all for today. We'll be back with a follow-up on Day 1 of Phase III tomorrow. Go forth and wreak havoc.

Every time a 1st quarter horn sounds a Hornets fan gets his chili---- A NCNP!!!! letter to Santa.

2008-12-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I fucking hate Christmas. As I’m sure you already know. But I feel obligated to seek your “expertise” in such a desperate situation as we, the frequenters of the New Orleans Arena, Louisiana Superdome and locally Centerplate serviced food outlets have been embroiled for quite a few months.

I am not looking for such grandiose endeavors as to rearrange the playoff picture to include the Saints or a NBA championship for the Hornets, I will leave that to the behest of a more deserving individual.

I am not even asking for such uncomplicated blessings as for Reggie Bush to always run forward, Devin Brown to look toward where he is throwing a basketball or C. Ray to be lit on fire and made captive to the depths of Lake Cataouatche where his transformation into a swamp-mutant-hellion-incubus will be regaled in fireside narratives passed from one generation to the next. Such are simple things that should take care of themselves, but probably won’t have any chance of actually happening (save the Nagin thing).

I ask on behalf of all local sports fans and votaries of chili that this hearty stalwart of condiments be returned to its rightful place at all concession stands.

I am encouraged that you will take up such an altruistic venture based on your own fervor for chili as inferred in this submission of a fellow enthusiast from December 7. I assume that your presence at an event featuring $1.50 chili dogs is no coincidence. I trust you enjoy a fine topping as much as the next morbidly obese, self-conscious, desperate for approval, omniscient materialist.

I can only imagine that this favor could be granted in the midst of doling out your yuletide impunity for men, women, children and all of the hoi chilloi. After all Mr. Claus, you’re quite recognizable and largely known as a beloved figure that regularly travels with little, if any security. Well, sometimes- bad things happen to good mythical pseudo-pagan marketing vehicles. And we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you if it were proven that someone of your stature were in cahoots with Big Condiment, now would we?

Warmly,
NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Fish For Dinner Again? Why, Yes. It's Red Herring.

2008-12-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

The NCNP!!!! revolution inbox was chock full of tips this morning, all relating to this item:

A Nutrition Makeover for the New Orleans Arena Ochsner and the Hornets offer Fans Healthy Eating Options

The New Orleans Hornets are teaming with Ochsner's Elmwood Fitness Center and Centerplate to give fans the opportunity to feast on a wide-variety of healthy selections while catching the action this season at The New Orleans Arena. Sushi, sashimi, carved turkey and blackened chicken sandwiches on whole wheat buns, fruit and cheese trays and shrimp cocktails are all part of the new Ochsner Eat Fit options available to fans.

The New Orleans Arena is one of the first arenas in the U.S. to team up with a medical center and nutritionists to create healthier menu items and offer nutrition facts for basketball fans. A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed that Louisiana is one of the least healthy states with the highest levels of obesity in adults and children.

"Enjoying great food is part of the New Orleans culture, so Ochsner Eat Fit is bringing great flavor in a healthier way to basketball fans," says Warner Thomas, COO and President.

Ochsner is the official Healthcare Provider of the New Orleans Hornets.

Sure, it sounds nice that the Arena is looking out for us and trying to keep us healthy, but I think we all know that this is nothing but smoke and mirrors. If SMG could make an extra dollar by offering deep fried butter in chocolate sauce covered in bacon, they'd do it in a second. They might even put it on a stick and come up with a clever name for it, like "Deep Fried Butter in Chocolate Sauce Covered in Bacon on a Stick." Pretty clever, right? Yeah, we know.

It's plain obvious that Big Condiment have made patsies of our friends at Ochsner and the Elmwood Fitness Center in an effort to divert our attention from the conspiracy. A shrewd move, indeed, trying to hide in plain sight. But you'd better get your ass up early in the morning if you want to put one past NCNP!!!!, and Big Condiment didn't get up early enough because we ain't buying that line of crap.

You're Asking the Wrong Questions. You've Got to Ask...Who Benefits?

2008-12-05T12:19:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Fingers, we now know that there is a campaign of misinformation and propoganda afoot, and that Brittany "Girl Rob Nice" Cranston and the Hornets organization are parties to it. There are a lot of other rumors flying around out there about who else might be involved. Sure, we've also heard them and just like you, we have a hard time taking everything we hear at face value. With that in mind, NCNP!!!! have decided to take a closer look at some of those rumored to be conspirators:

1. JORDY HULTBERG

You're probably asking yourself, "What reason would Jordy have to possibly want to hurt Hornets fans?" How about these reasons:

His continued ridicule at the hands of Hornets fans as a result fo being called the wrong name on live television by members of the Hornets organization in each of the past two seasons. Former Assistant Coach Jim Cleamons referred to him as "Gordy" during halftime interviews throughout the '06-'07 campaign and Mr. George Shinn himself referred to him as "Scott" during a halftime interview last season.

Jordy is a known wearer of loafers with no socks and a rumored user of George Hamilton's line of sun-free skin bronzers. Nobody that vain would think twice about betraying the hard-working, hungry masses of the chilitariat.

He is secretly controlled by Jim Hawthorne, who blatantly conspired to doctor the tapes of his play-by-play call of the Bluegrass Miracle. Jack Hunt? Seriously? Jack Hunt played safety, you douche! Why the fuck would he even have been on the field with the offense? GAH!!!!

Verdict: Undoubtedly involved in the conspiracy.

2. MR. GEORGE SHINN

Yes, it's been established that the Hornets organization has partaken in a campaign on misinformation regarding the availability of chili in the Arena. But, do any of us really believe that Mr. Shinn is the one running the show? I mean, you just read that the guy called Jordy "Scott." C'mon, that isn't even close! Also, as noted in the photo below, Mr. Shinn has publicly associated with known chili enthusiasts:

Verdict: Not involved in the conspiracy.

3. PHIL JACKSON

Phil Jackson is treated like a genius because he won a bunch of titles riding the coattails of three of the greatest players in the history of the League. Has anyone ever stopped to ask what this motherfucker has done to earn the monicker "Zen Master," aside from reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? If reading ONE FUCKING BOOK makes you the master of something, then I can go ahead and quit takign the CPA exam and just start calling myself "Accounting Master."

Anyway, Phil Jackson never misses an opportunity to badmouth the great City of New Orleans. We offer these pearls of wisdom as evidence:

"Well, it smells better in Oklahoma, I have to say that. I miss that mildew smell from New Orleans that permeates the air, and the revelry that goes along with being in New Orleans is certainly missing in Oklahoma. I feel blessed, no doubt about it, that we're here." - on the Lakers playing the Hornets in OKC post-Katrina

"Hopefully, they've drained the mud out of the building and the termites aren't going to eat the building away by the time we get down there." - on the Lakers being the Hornets' first opponent in NOLA after the team's return from OKC

Surely, anyone who has such contempt for our fair city would take away our chili in a cocaine heartbeat. It's also worth noting that Phil Jackson looks like Colonel Sanders and he always sits in a high chair during games like some kind of baby.

Verdict: Oh, you're goddamn right he's in on it.

4. ROCKY DENNIS FROM MASK

I'll bet you didn't think he was in on it...

Verdict: ...but that's EXACTLY what he'd want you to think!

We hope this has helped clear up some of your questions. Feel free to contact us with any other questions you might still have and/or rumors you'd like to share. I believe you have our information.

The Conspiracy Unfolds...

2008-12-03T20:13:00.000-08:00

There have been some startling developments in the recent weeks in the Great Chili Forbearance of 08-09. Hornets season ticket holder, trusted legal counsel, certified Commander of Head and friend of the NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!! Blog has discovered a significant revelation in a previous visit to a Hornets game in the New Orleans Arena:

- there is chili available -

The chili in question is even listed on the Hornets’ web site. I would turn your attention under the listing for WOW Café & Wingery (located in Sections 109, 211, 311). Does this mean we will see an end to the boycott of concessions in the Arena?

Most definitely not.

Firstly, you will notice that the availability chili is restricted to fries. Considering the onus of our mission is to reinstitute the fan favorite chili dog, we are obligated to continue the fight. Secondly, Chili fries are not an accompaniment to ‘erge drink, even with a touch of the exotic queso (or as we in America call it: “cheese” - pronounced ch z). Thirdly, as our trusted legal counsel will confirm, chili cannot AND WILL NOT be segregated from any and all medium of consumption. The thinking of condiments as "separate but equal" is simply archaic and we will not stand for such a repugnant initiative as instituting Jim Crochili Laws in our fine sporting venues. The right of equal access to all condiments has been determined as inalienable since the days of Brown Mustard vs. Board of Condimentation (1954) and the Chili Rights Act of 1964.

But it isn’t just the violation of basic Americana that the dark concession overlords are partaking. There is subtle evidence that brainwashing and detailed distraction tactics are taking place. However, the NCNP!!!! Blog has used all of its well-established fact-finding assets and abilities (including, but not limited to, embellishment and pure conjecture) to pry out the truth of the far-reaching conspiracy.

Fact:
A source (that will remain anonymous for her own protection) engaged in a conversation with an individual intimately involved with concessions at both the Arena and Superdome. The focus of which was on the lack of chili and the questioning as to the motivation for the embargo. Our source received an interesting response in that conversation. The response to the line of questioning, “They don’t have chili? Since when?” This response coupled with the placid, seemingly zombie-like response from those behind the counter can only mean that the word “chili” or any synonymous reference triggers a Manchurian Candidate-esque state brought on by severe brainwashing.

Startling Fact:
The Hornets’ organization itself is a party to The Great Chili Forbearance of 08-09 by engaging in a propaganda campaign focusing on distraction. The article below was featured in the initial issue of Hornets Magazine, which is available to season ticket holders, evidences this campaign. The commentary of one Brittany Cranston spins quite a yarn of the gastrometric virtues that the Arena has to offer. An aside: when you Google “Brittany Cranston”, of the many items you may find, one of them is not that her name is an anagram of toasty non rib trac. Which is obvious proof that she is one that is against slow cooked, meat based products, making her a perfect vehicle for the proliferation of the misinformation being put out by Big Condiment.

But friends, the focus of your attention should not be on the words that are being spewed. Your attention should be alerted on the vector shown below:
If it is not obvious, let’s take a closer look:
That’s right! I give you evidence of a false claim.

SEE!!! They themselves are admitting that chili is appropriate to the service of hot dogs. Let me diagram this for all that doubt:
If you follow the green vectors you will note that the concession overlords admit that hot dogs directly accompany chili of their own volition.

The orange vector is the NCNP!!!! Blog's contribution showing direct correlation between hot dog and chili.

THAT’S RIGHT...CHILI:
YES! CHILI!
But you may think, ”Well, now that I see it up close, I can’t be sure. That could say anything”.
I submit this. We ran the photo through the NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!! forensic imaging processor:
That’s right, it says chili. It actually encourages the marriage of chili and hot dog:
This outright affront to condimentarians everywhere will not stand. We cannot rest in the background while the concession overlords act all smooth like they are Omar Epps or Chris Gains or something.
Keep up the fight. Act now. Continue the boycott and smother the oppressors as chili smothers the dog.

Mother of God...

2008-11-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

The conspiracy is far more wide -reaching than I thought. We are at the Saints game and were just informed that there is no chili at the Superdome.

Governor Jindal must be made aware of this. We may need to mobilize the National Guard.

It Puts the Email in the Inbox Or Else It Gets the Hose Again

2008-11-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

nochilinopeace@gmail.com

PUT THE FUCKING EMAIL IN THE INBOX!!!!

Chili Held Hostage, Day 47

2008-11-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

It's been 47 days since the first preseason game at New Orleans Arena, when we were first informed that the concession overlords were taking chili away from the hard working, hungry fans.

More importantly, though, it's been two weeks since I sent my letter to the Arena's management. I have not received a reply. That means it's time for a follow-up:

Greetings.

It was forty-seven days ago at the first preseason game that this hard-working, hungry fan of the New Orleans Hornets was informed that chili had been removed from the menu at the concession stands at the Arena. I asked why but, sadly, my request for an explanation fell on deaf ears, as it did a second time at the regular season opener weeks later. To this day, I've not heard so much as a word explaining the rationale behind this arbitrary, unilaterally-imposed decision. Your refusal to explain this oppression of fans who want the freedom to choose how their hot dogs and/or nachos are topped is, at the very least, rude. However, I think the reason for your silence is something far more sinister than simple discourtesy. It's patently obvious that they've gotten to you.

Who, you ask? Big Condiment. That's who.

You're in their pocket, and we know it. Oh yes, that's right - it's not just me, it's we. Others have joined the movement, and still others more will follow. Until such time as chili is returned to the menu, our boycott of the concession stands in the Arena continues. The oppression of the chilitariat will not be tolerated, and the Chili Revolution will not be silenced.

NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Fancy a Spot of Chili? You're Damn Right I Do.

2008-11-13T17:53:00.000-08:00

You're looking at a picture that was sent to us by a friend of the Chili Revolution in New York City. We'll call him "Josh" (mainly because that's his name. Hey, buddy - you're on a blog!). He took the picture at the Saints/Chargers game in Wembley Stadium. To be able to get a chili dog in a high school stadium is one thing...but the fact that the concession overlords and Big Condiment can conspire to take away our chili at the New Orleans Arena while the British - the British! - are allowed to enjoy it is nothing short of criminal. I dare say it borders on light treason. I urge you to write your Congressman - no, the State Department because this incident just became international!

Stay tuned this weekend for our expose' on how John Scheer, the guy from those "Video Professor" commercials is connected to the conspiracy.

(Okay, that's not true. I can't back that up.)

...and the fans said, "Who?"

2008-11-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

T-P reporting that Sean Marks actually got out of business casual and into a basketball uniform and actually participated in an actual practice today. Not reported in the story, though, is the secret to his recovery: he found out this morning that, unlike at the New Orleans Arena, you can get chili at the concession stands at the Alario Center. It's well-documented that chili dogs are to native New Zealanders as spinach is to Popeye. It's science...and it's the colective fault of those parties to the New Orleans Arena Chili Conspiracy that Marks didn't recover sooner.

Sean Marks Practices (NOLA.com)

A Lesson the New Orleans Arena Could Learn From High School

2008-11-08T13:12:00.001-08:00

I spent this morning at Joe Yenni Stadium in Metairie watching my alma mater, Brother Martin, beat Rummel to wrap up a division title and tie a bow around an undefeated regular season (go 'Saders!). If you've never had the pleasure of experiencing the Yenni, it is a rinky-dink shit hole of a high school football stadium. It makes Tad Gormley look like the fucking Taj Mahal. It seats roughly 14 people and it does not even have a Visitors locker room (Brother Martin had to take its halftime at a table that was set up behind one of the end zones - true story). Despite its shortcomings, even this crap hole of a stadium has chili at its concession stands. The concession overlords are being outdone by a HIGH SCHOOL stadium!

A Quick Clarification

2008-11-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'll keep this short since I'm out at the bar. It's okay to enjoy the $1 beers before the game. The boycott only applies to concessions inside the Arena.

Okay, back to drowning my sorrows over tonight's loss. Seriously, the Bobcats?

Stickin' it to the man starts here

2008-11-06T16:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the chili revolution. The concession stand overlords have decided to take away America's favorite hot dog condiment from hungry, hard-working fans at the New Orleans Arena. The chili-tariat will NOT be silenced. If you're like us, and you want your damn chili back, here's where you can do your part. It's as simple as clicking this link and telling the overlords what you think.

Here, you can even borrow the letter I wrote:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a Hornets fan and frequent visitor to the New Orleans Arena. At every Hornets game I have ever attended up to and including last season’s playoff run, I have purchased a foot-long hot dog with chili and a large cola beverage at the end of the first quarter. This season, when attending the Hornets’ preseason opener against the Warriors, I was shocked and appalled when the concession workers informed me that chili is no longer being offered at the Arena. The chili dog is a staple of sports fandom, and to refuse to make it available to hungry fans that paid their hard-earned money to attend events at the Arena is unconscionable.

I have racked my brain to come up with a possible explanation for this decision, and have only come up with two – neither of which is legitimate, in my opinion, for the reasons outlined below:

The almighty dollar. Sure, there was no charge for chili in previous years, so you’re probably taking a hit by paying a supplier for chili then giving it up for free. Here’s the thing – I know the market price on a plain hot dog isn’t $5 apiece, so there’s no way you’re taking enough of a hit to put you in the red on hot dogs. Even if you are, you can pass along the additional cost of chili and preserve your precious margins by charging extra for a dog with chili. I’ve been to countless stadia, arenas, theaters, etc. that do just that at charges ranging from $0.25 up to $0.75 and people – myself included – gladly pay it. So to say that the only way to maximize your margins on hot dogs is to not offer chili at all is preposterous.

It ‘s messy. Poppycock. Horse feathers, even! Ketchup, mustard, onions, relish, sauerkraut and the barbecue sauce you offer with the chicken finger basket are just as messy. Moreover, I argue that ketchup and barbecue sauce are even messier than chili. Both list sugar in their ingredients and, as such, are not only unsightly when spilled, but sticky as well.

If there is some other explanation that you believe is palatable, I would be thrilled to hear it. In the interim, and until such time as chili is restored to the concession stands at the Arena, I am left with no choice but to cease patronage of the concession stands there or at any other arena operated by SMG or whose concessions purveyed by Centerplate.

Join us. Fight the good fight. Chili for all, and damn those who say otherwise!

NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!