Every time a 1st quarter horn sounds a Hornets fan gets his chili---- A NCNP!!!! letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I fucking hate Christmas. As I’m sure you already know. But I feel obligated to seek your “expertise” in such a desperate situation as we, the frequenters of the New Orleans Arena, Louisiana Superdome and locally Centerplate serviced food outlets have been embroiled for quite a few months.

I am not looking for such grandiose endeavors as to rearrange the playoff picture to include the Saints or a NBA championship for the Hornets, I will leave that to the behest of a more deserving individual.

I am not even asking for such uncomplicated blessings as for Reggie Bush to always run forward, Devin Brown to look toward where he is throwing a basketball or C. Ray to be lit on fire and made captive to the depths of Lake Cataouatche where his transformation into a swamp-mutant-hellion-incubus will be regaled in fireside narratives passed from one generation to the next. Such are simple things that should take care of themselves, but probably won’t have any chance of actually happening (save the Nagin thing).

I ask on behalf of all local sports fans and votaries of chili that this hearty stalwart of condiments be returned to its rightful place at all concession stands.

I am encouraged that you will take up such an altruistic venture based on your own fervor for chili as inferred in this submission of a fellow enthusiast from December 7. I assume that your presence at an event featuring $1.50 chili dogs is no coincidence. I trust you enjoy a fine topping as much as the next morbidly obese, self-conscious, desperate for approval, omniscient materialist.

I can only imagine that this favor could be granted in the midst of doling out your yuletide impunity for men, women, children and all of the hoi chilloi. After all Mr. Claus, you’re quite recognizable and largely known as a beloved figure that regularly travels with little, if any security. Well, sometimes- bad things happen to good mythical pseudo-pagan marketing vehicles. And we wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you if it were proven that someone of your stature were in cahoots with Big Condiment, now would we?

Warmly,
NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!!

Fish For Dinner Again? Why, Yes. It's Red Herring.

The NCNP!!!! revolution inbox was chock full of tips this morning, all relating to this item:

A Nutrition Makeover for the New Orleans Arena

Ochsner and the Hornets offer Fans Healthy Eating Options

The New Orleans Hornets are teaming with Ochsner's Elmwood Fitness Center and Centerplate to give fans the opportunity to feast on a wide-variety of healthy selections while catching the action this season at The New Orleans Arena. Sushi, sashimi, carved turkey and blackened chicken sandwiches on whole wheat buns, fruit and cheese trays and shrimp cocktails are all part of the new Ochsner Eat Fit options available to fans.

The New Orleans Arena is one of the first arenas in the U.S. to team up with a medical center and nutritionists to create healthier menu items and offer nutrition facts for basketball fans. A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed that Louisiana is one of the least healthy states with the highest levels of obesity in adults and children.

"Enjoying great food is part of the New Orleans culture, so Ochsner Eat Fit is bringing great flavor in a healthier way to basketball fans," says Warner Thomas, COO and President.

Ochsner is the official Healthcare Provider of the New Orleans Hornets.

Sure, it sounds nice that the Arena is looking out for us and trying to keep us healthy, but I think we all know that this is nothing but smoke and mirrors. If SMG could make an extra dollar by offering deep fried butter in chocolate sauce covered in bacon, they'd do it in a second. They might even put it on a stick and come up with a clever name for it, like "Deep Fried Butter in Chocolate Sauce Covered in Bacon on a Stick." Pretty clever, right? Yeah, we know.

It's plain obvious that Big Condiment have made patsies of our friends at Ochsner and the Elmwood Fitness Center in an effort to divert our attention from the conspiracy. A shrewd move, indeed, trying to hide in plain sight. But you'd better get your ass up early in the morning if you want to put one past NCNP!!!!, and Big Condiment didn't get up early enough because we ain't buying that line of crap.

You're Asking the Wrong Questions. You've Got to Ask...Who Benefits?

Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Fingers, we now know that there is a campaign of misinformation and propoganda afoot, and that Brittany "Girl Rob Nice" Cranston and the Hornets organization are parties to it. There are a lot of other rumors flying around out there about who else might be involved. Sure, we've also heard them and just like you, we have a hard time taking everything we hear at face value. With that in mind, NCNP!!!! have decided to take a closer look at some of those rumored to be conspirators:

1. JORDY HULTBERG

You're probably asking yourself, "What reason would Jordy have to possibly want to hurt Hornets fans?" How about these reasons:

• His continued ridicule at the hands of Hornets fans as a result fo being called the wrong name on live television by members of the Hornets organization in each of the past two seasons. Former Assistant Coach Jim Cleamons referred to him as "Gordy" during halftime interviews throughout the '06-'07 campaign and Mr. George Shinn himself referred to him as "Scott" during a halftime interview last season.


• Jordy is a known wearer of loafers with no socks and a rumored user of George Hamilton's line of sun-free skin bronzers. Nobody that vain would think twice about betraying the hard-working, hungry masses of the chilitariat.


• He is secretly controlled by Jim Hawthorne, who blatantly conspired to doctor the tapes of his play-by-play call of the Bluegrass Miracle. Jack Hunt? Seriously? Jack Hunt played safety, you douche! Why the fuck would he even have been on the field with the offense? GAH!!!!

Verdict: Undoubtedly involved in the conspiracy.

2. MR. GEORGE SHINN

Yes, it's been established that the Hornets organization has partaken in a campaign on misinformation regarding the availability of chili in the Arena. But, do any of us really believe that Mr. Shinn is the one running the show? I mean, you just read that the guy called Jordy "Scott." C'mon, that isn't even close! Also, as noted in the photo below, Mr. Shinn has publicly associated with known chili enthusiasts:

Verdict: Not involved in the conspiracy.

3. PHIL JACKSON

Phil Jackson is treated like a genius because he won a bunch of titles riding the coattails of three of the greatest players in the history of the League. Has anyone ever stopped to ask what this motherfucker has done to earn the monicker "Zen Master," aside from reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance? If reading ONE FUCKING BOOK makes you the master of something, then I can go ahead and quit takign the CPA exam and just start calling myself "Accounting Master."

Anyway, Phil Jackson never misses an opportunity to badmouth the great City of New Orleans. We offer these pearls of wisdom as evidence:

• "Well, it smells better in Oklahoma, I have to say that. I miss that mildew smell from New Orleans that permeates the air, and the revelry that goes along with being in New Orleans is certainly missing in Oklahoma. I feel blessed, no doubt about it, that we're here." - on the Lakers playing the Hornets in OKC post-Katrina


• "Hopefully, they've drained the mud out of the building and the termites aren't going to eat the building away by the time we get down there." - on the Lakers being the Hornets' first opponent in NOLA after the team's return from OKC

Surely, anyone who has such contempt for our fair city would take away our chili in a cocaine heartbeat. It's also worth noting that Phil Jackson looks like Colonel Sanders and he always sits in a high chair during games like some kind of baby.

Verdict: Oh, you're goddamn right he's in on it.

4. ROCKY DENNIS FROM MASK

I'll bet you didn't think he was in on it...

Verdict: ...but that's EXACTLY what he'd want you to think!

We hope this has helped clear up some of your questions. Feel free to contact us with any other questions you might still have and/or rumors you'd like to share. I believe you have our information.

The Conspiracy Unfolds...

There have been some startling developments in the recent weeks in the Great Chili Forbearance of 08-09. Hornets season ticket holder, trusted legal counsel, certified Commander of Head and friend of the NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!! Blog has discovered a significant revelation in a previous visit to a Hornets game in the New Orleans Arena:

- there is chili available -

The chili in question is even listed on the Hornets’ web site. I would turn your attention under the listing for WOW Café & Wingery (located in Sections 109, 211, 311). Does this mean we will see an end to the boycott of concessions in the Arena?

Most definitely not.

Firstly, you will notice that the availability chili is restricted to fries. Considering the onus of our mission is to reinstitute the fan favorite chili dog, we are obligated to continue the fight. Secondly, Chili fries are not an accompaniment to ‘erge drink, even with a touch of the exotic queso (or as we in America call it: “cheese” - pronounced ch z). Thirdly, as our trusted legal counsel will confirm, chili cannot AND WILL NOT be segregated from any and all medium of consumption. The thinking of condiments as "separate but equal" is simply archaic and we will not stand for such a repugnant initiative as instituting Jim Crochili Laws in our fine sporting venues. The right of equal access to all condiments has been determined as inalienable since the days of Brown Mustard vs. Board of Condimentation (1954) and the Chili Rights Act of 1964.

But it isn’t just the violation of basic Americana that the dark concession overlords are partaking. There is subtle evidence that brainwashing and detailed distraction tactics are taking place. However, the NCNP!!!! Blog has used all of its well-established fact-finding assets and abilities (including, but not limited to, embellishment and pure conjecture) to pry out the truth of the far-reaching conspiracy.

Fact:
A source (that will remain anonymous for her own protection) engaged in a conversation with an individual intimately involved with concessions at both the Arena and Superdome. The focus of which was on the lack of chili and the questioning as to the motivation for the embargo. Our source received an interesting response in that conversation. The response to the line of questioning, “They don’t have chili? Since when?” This response coupled with the placid, seemingly zombie-like response from those behind the counter can only mean that the word “chili” or any synonymous reference triggers a Manchurian Candidate-esque state brought on by severe brainwashing.

Startling Fact:
The Hornets’ organization itself is a party to The Great Chili Forbearance of 08-09 by engaging in a propaganda campaign focusing on distraction. The article below was featured in the initial issue of Hornets Magazine, which is available to season ticket holders, evidences this campaign. The commentary of one Brittany Cranston spins quite a yarn of the gastrometric virtues that the Arena has to offer. An aside: when you Google “Brittany Cranston”, of the many items you may find, one of them is not that her name is an anagram of toasty non rib trac. Which is obvious proof that she is one that is against slow cooked, meat based products, making her a perfect vehicle for the proliferation of the misinformation being put out by Big Condiment.

But friends, the focus of your attention should not be on the words that are being spewed. Your attention should be alerted on the vector shown below:
If it is not obvious, let’s take a closer look:
That’s right! I give you evidence of a false claim.

SEE!!! They themselves are admitting that chili is appropriate to the service of hot dogs. Let me diagram this for all that doubt:
If you follow the green vectors you will note that the concession overlords admit that hot dogs directly accompany chili of their own volition.

The orange vector is the NCNP!!!! Blog's contribution showing direct correlation between hot dog and chili.

THAT’S RIGHT...CHILI:
YES! CHILI!
But you may think, ”Well, now that I see it up close, I can’t be sure. That could say anything”.
I submit this. We ran the photo through the NO CHILI, NO PEACE!!!! forensic imaging processor:
That’s right, it says chili. It actually encourages the marriage of chili and hot dog:
This outright affront to condimentarians everywhere will not stand. We cannot rest in the background while the concession overlords act all smooth like they are Omar Epps or Chris Gains or something.
Keep up the fight. Act now. Continue the boycott and smother the oppressors as chili smothers the dog.